HAVE YOU WONDERED why you need to invest so much effort in wrenching yourself free all the time? Could it be vaguely possible that the particular struggles you seem to encounter regularly are entirely unnecessary?
Not only that: I am sure you have (more than vaguely) contemplated your calling to take on a specific kind of community leadership -- very specific, summoning a particular quality, or set of qualities, you uniquely possess that makes you perfect for the role, which are coming into the spotlight now. The more you acknowledge this, and the more you move in this direction, the better you will feel. And I know you want to feel good. You're a Taurus after all and comfort in your skin and your brain are basic to your wellbeing.
Your life is about doing what is right for you, in the right way, because this will both help you and very naturally blend into a compelling community need that you are probably fully aware of at this moment. Your talent and this need have a lot in common.
Meanwhile, I'm not proposing that challenge or difficulty are meaningless or inherently unnecessary. A momentary glance at nature reveals that the quest or need for survival is the one thing that all carbon-based forms of life have in common, and it does keep us on our toes. More to the point, nobody on Earth has an easy trip, whether you're born into poverty or blessed with opulent wealth; whether you have perfect health, or struggle with sickness. Indeed, most often, on our particular planet, it is the disadvantages that provide the greatest strengths and teach the most useful skills.
Modest Proposals and Chiron in Aquarius
Struggle makes us strong, but enough is quite enough. So at first I'm proposing two things: one is that you take a different approach to your challenges. The other is that your considerable experience with the subject of "getting through everything" uniquely suits you for leadership in a world that seems dedicated to being stuck in its own difficulties, but has a strong interest in getting past this little issue sooner rather than later.
It might help at this time to go over the astrology bit by bit, so you can take the processes in an organized fashion; then let's put it together and see what we can draw intuitively from the set of experiences.
The big news for Taurus is the focus on Aquarius: in particular, the ongoing conjunction of Chiron and Nessus, has activated your 10th house and will do so for a lengthy foreseeable future. Because of how long these transits last, this connotes a nearly permanent change of emphasis in your life. The 10th house is where we make our mark on the world; where we express power; how we cultivate and express reputation; and in general, the translation from theory (9th house) to practice (across the mid-heaven, into manifestation).
Aquarius has always been up there in your chart, suggesting that you have clear social visions; a strong ethos or sensitivity to the spirit of life; and egalitarian ideas about how power should be shared -- but also distinct needs to have an element of real control (because Aquarius has a lot to do with control). Fortunately you are a fair person, or at least certainly possess the capacity to be so. Mainly what you want is for things to go right, and you're not stuck on that meaning "the way they were done yesterday."
Just please don't get stuck on "the way I thought would be right yesterday."
When we add a planet with the intensity of Chiron to this equation to such a potent angle of your chart, the emphasis of existence shifts distinctly, and this is the process that you've been feeling since early last year. But it's been anything but consistent and that has been the most troubling part. You have had opportunities that have arisen out of the field of potential and then seemed to disappear back there. The gift has been that you've had time to decide what you really want.
The Mantle of Power
What you want is not for me to say. But what I must tell you is that Chiron transiting (or resident in) the 10th house involves what Barbara Hand Clow described as taking on the mantle of power, and from what I've seen, she is onto something big. This mantle, you cannot escape. You are being held to a higher level of responsibility by the world precisely when that is being called for by your own growth process. For you, now, this is a collective experience, and your leadership role means distinctly being yourself and at the same time integrating yourself in the correct way with a group mission. People are not so good at working as equals, though, so it would not surprise me if in the early stages you are in what seem to be conventional leadership roles.
They are, however, anything but conventional and your role is really as a teacher of individual responsibility. This is not as easy as being bossy or even your average competent strong leader who is known for getting shit done (people like them). It is specifically a teaching role, and that is much more human, on the ground, challenging and difficult than just getting things done. And it's somewhat less popular amongst the plebes because your authority is not absolute and part of this method of leadership involves allowing people to make mistakes.
Indeed, the immediate mission is teaching and demonstrating cooperation, group dynamics and politics in a meaningful way and learning how to be sane in the process.
If this sounds like there is a break from the past involved, you are right -- and here there are two interesting influences working in that rather contradictory nature that is so typical of the sign Taurus.
The long-term influence involves Saturn -- in an ongoing exact opposition to Chiron, so there is a relationship. Saturn, which is well into its Leo journey, is in the process of helping you repair your emotional container, regain your independence, and help you sort out the past sufficiently to deal with it and let it go.
This involves the long-term past and certain specific situations from childhood, but there is also the matter of a relationship drama that was based largely on your own insecurity and difficulty experiencing yourself as autonomously as you need to be in order to be happy. For reference, this is Saturn going through your 4th house.
Saturn in the context of this sequence of events is about developing autonomy, learning to focus on the present, and developing the strength of individuality to be a human being apart from all others.
Feeling Like an Actual Person
How you were compromised in the first place is a significant question, but you only need to understand that question so well in order to work your way forward. The most important thing you can do for yourself is recognize when you feel like an individual and when you do not. This one distinction will be the most important measurement or muscle test of whether to proceed. If you find that your sense of self or autonomy is ever compromised, you must pause and correct that first. And remember that you cannot pretend or say the words. You need to assess the immediate factors of power (who has it and why?), control (the essence of any struggle) and responsibility (the way out of nearly any struggle) in order to make your decision about whether you are really free.
The fear with any Saturn transit, and it is pervasive and is indeed perpetuated by mainstream astrology, is that Saturn will take away what you value the most. If you work with the process, which means consciously addressing your fear and understanding that you are in a process of building something within yourself, you are more likely to discover that Saturn helps you construct what you want the most, and remove what you want the least. That something you are building is quite literally the infrastructure of your personality, and a flexible self-concept that can contain the Self you discover is you. It would not be an exaggeration to say that you are in the process of building an emotional structure that will help you stand on your own in this world, which I would venture a guess is your most precious desire.
This has nothing to do with wanting or not wanting a relationship, but rather with how you experiencing yourself within a relationship.
The Mars Story
The long journey of Mars through your sign, still in effect at the time of this writing in early January, has brought many dramas that have reminded you of what you don't want. There have been many strange effects of this, and some eminently practical (seeing yourself in the other, and recognizing the extent to which the other sees himself or herself in you, to give two examples). But what you learned you really can do without is emotional drama. It is useless and at the same time takes the place of all the human qualities and experiences you seek the very most.
Now, Venus is taking a turn at being retrograde; this is occurring in your 9th solar house, which is aligned with Capricorn. This transit is no less complex than the Mars retrograde, but at least you have the direct connection to Venus, and identify much more personally with her than with Mars. Perhaps if I outline some of the potential expressions, you will recognize them or be able to see parallel experiences in your own life.
Essentially, with the help of this transit, you are being taken down the dark alley where religion meets sex. We tend to think nothing of the damage and suppression of sexuality done explicitly by religion that is expressed in a more twisted form as hypersexualized pop culture. Along the way, we lose any sense of what is human, appropriate, or communicative. We have very few (or no) examples of healthy sex. Most people NEVER experiment enough to get comfortable with themselves. There are reasons, and you are finding out what those reasons are.
This is a transit that ties energetically into Saturn in Leo (Leo speaks about your past and about sexuality; Saturn addresses the past, as well as boundaries and ideas; and Saturn is the ruler of the sign where Venus, your ruler, is now retrograde). The 9th house is a kind of storehouse for spiritual ideas (which tend to put down sex, no matter who is talking), and these ideas shape how we see, express and experience ourselves. Venus retrograde is taking you on a journey backwards in time through the many layers of what you were told to believe, and how you were told to feel about yourself.
You can now penetrate the lies that have held you back; and you can just as soon experience the truth of yourself in a beautiful way.
While it is (probably) not really possible to give up guilt -- this seems akin to the Zen riddle of "not thinking about chocolate cake" -- it is possible to question what you were taught, to question your mother's feelings and her reality, and finally to embrace your basic Earthy quality and devotion to sensual pleasure. Belief systems that teach this Earthy nature is bad go for about the cost of scrap iron. The number of people who have worked through the assorted layers of what is not true about themselves and finally arrived at what is true is small indeed. But it is possible to reach that point of inner truth: I promise you this.
The point is: whatever you or anyone else may think about sex, you have a right to know where you stand with yourself, and you have a right to know the particular ways in which you got there. Because unless you know where you stand with yourself, you cannot be yourself. And if you cannot be yourself, you cannot be yourself with another person.
And being yourself, and nobody else, is your first and only mission now, as the planets are calling you to cast off the luggage of many past generations and take up the work and rewards of your generation, your life, and your relationships.
